It has recently come to my attention that you are a Bad Facebook Boyfriend. In response to that bewildered look on your face, I will now elaborate.
A week or so back, I posted three pictures (2 kitties and one Tolkien movie poster) and commented on at least 4 older posts on your wall. All I got in response was 2 likes (1 kitty pic and Tolkien of course!) and absolutely no response and/or likes on my comments. I am very much aware that you are a Neanderthal (you woman, me hungry, cook food) and yes this behavior would have been acceptable in primitive times but we are in the year 2014 and your ancient practices are no longer acceptable. Here’s why.
All I see (and I’m sure most people also see) on my Facebook homepage everyday are people professing their love to each other. Take for example Carol and Dennis. Carol writes on her wall how happy she was to cook dinner for her husband (I’m sure you’re perplexed by the fact that this is something that a woman thinks is worth mentioning). After detailing her culinary prowess, she went on to write “Love you Dennis!’ to which Dennis promptly replied “Love you too sweet honey-buns”. Regardless of the fact that Dennis and Carol were probably sitting right next to each other and too tired (or unsure or because they just couldn’t give a shit) to tell each other face to face that they loved each other, their Facebook friends now know that they love each other which brings validation to their relationship even though he has to consciously convince himself not to shoot her (or himself) everyday and she has to constantly convince herself that his growing beer belly and inability to bring home the bacon is just a phase.
Sure you talk to me at least 4-5 hours everyday (text, phone and Skype calls combined), and during this time you have told me that you’ve seen all my posts, read my comments and given me responses to them. Sure all your calls end with ‘I love you and can’t wait to see you again”. Sure at the end of the day we can’t wait to tell each other what happened during the second half of our day (because we’ve already discussed the first half over lunch). Sure when we are together, we look and actually talk to each other. And of course we frequently tell each other how we feel in person (which usually leads to fun adult play time) but don’t you see dear Boyfriend, that while I know you love me and you know I love you, our Facebook friends don’t!! Who is going to give us a false sense of security if this relationship goes downhill? WHO?!!!
Don’t you see, dear Boyfriend, that if Carol and Dennis were able to Facebook love each other when they were less that 2 feet apart, being 51 miles away from me, you should at least be able to Facebook acknowledge my posts by liking them ALL or even better, posting a comment to each one! Your inability to do so has resulted in me concluding that you are indeed a Bad Facebook Boyfriend. But fear not. It is not too late. You can change your Neanderthal ways and come into the light. Come into the light dear Boyfriend and embrace the era of social networking!
Good Facebook Girlfriend.
Update: The boyfriend has responded :
Dear Girlfriend, I look at this posting and see a long list of BLAH BLAH BLAH……why aren’t you cooking my dinner again? Sincerely, confused hungry man.