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I don’t like changes. Even if it is something small and inconsequential. But the only thing in life that will always be constant is change. I am such a phobia with change that even something as small as a phone call will be put off till the last minute because it means there will be some change as a result. I get anxious and in worst case scenarios paranoid when I foresee a change coming – so much so that I have often resigned to a less than optimal state instead of making the change that would take me to a better place. I sometimes have a hard time differentiating if it actually is a fear of change or just plain laziness and often, I have accepted the latter and kept myself in a constant state of guilt over my inactivity. It is so weird sometime the extent I go to just to avoid any change – positive or negative.

Anyways long story short, I am at a point in my life where I have to make some major changes soon if I want to reach my goals. Actually, for the first time in my life, I have goals that I want to achieve for me and not because someone else expects it. Life long family pressure, expectations of perfections (as perceived by others but not so much me) and most, if not all, of what I’ve done to achieve that, has made me miserable to the point of total stagnation for the last 4 years. The fear or criticism, lack of self confidence and the need to be perfect in everyone else’s eyes has done nothing but damage my feeling of self worth. But I am hopeful that I can slowly overcome it, starting with this one phone call and discussion I will have today. Focus will be hard to keep and motivation painful to maintain but I can hope. With the right kind of people around me and and some self-love, maybe it’s not so impossible after all. I hope I don’t come back to this post in a couple of months and continue to complain. Let’s see how this goes…

Have you ever felt stagnant in your life? If so how did you overcome it?