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change

Can’t believe I took that first step to the much needed change! Now hopefully I can follow through with it! I almost feel a childish excitement and anxiety at the same time. I also can’t believe I’m using my blog as a diary but maybe this is what it was meant to be…..

I don’t really believe in ‘meant to be’. I believe in making things happen but the irony of me saying that can only be appreciated by very few people so let me enlighten you all. As I mentioned before in my previous post, I was at a standstill in my life. As a matter of fact, I still am. I’m trying to start moving forward, slowly but surely, I am trying hard to fight the ghosts of stagnation.

My goals today were simple – confirm the date for my licensing exam and set out a definite date to fly out to New Jersey to start an observership with  a psychiatrist. The first goal seems simple enough right? But with that, I fretted all evening and had to take an anxiolytic (lorzepam) to calm down. I looked up the available test dates and Friday, 5th of Dec 2014 seemed to suit me the best.  I don’t now if I’ll be able to finish the material on time, I don’t know if I will be able to finish the question banks on time, I don’t know if I will be able to revise the material…..by this time, my pulse was close to, if not above, 100/min (tachycardia for all you medical folk). I put my foot down on the date and began the next part of my torture – date for observership. If I take the exam on the 5th, I can fly over that weekend (6th and 7th) and start on the 8th. With that set in mind, my next task was even more frightening – actually talking to other people!

What I’m going to say next will give you a pretty accurate picture of the level of introversion I have to deal with everyday. The thought of actually talking to other people scares me so much that I, a self proclaimed borderline atheist, sat down to pray. To clarify, I’m more of an agnostic leaning towards faith. So I prayed today, prayed real hard for things to go right. Strangely enough, it brought back memories of the first time that I had really prayed and it had worked (or so it seemed in my 11 year old brain at the time). I was in 6th grade and had forgotten to do my math homework for a particularly strict teacher. I prayed, as I walked towards the class, that I needed things to go right just for today please please please! (had no idea who I was talking to at the time). That was the first day that the math teacher did not ask for our homework. He seemed too engrossed in the material he was going to teach that day. Lucky me my prayers worked. Weirdly, that is the one incident that I clearly remember,  even though it is a but a tiny grain of sand in the rocky and littered beach that is my life.

So back to the story. I called up my brother and told him my plan. He was crucial because he would take me to the test center. Also he is the only parent figure I have in the area and he reacted exactly how I had expected. He expressed disappointment at my pushing the already tired out exam date even further but seemed a little more positive about my observership plan. One down, one to go! I sent a text to my Uncle in New Jersey (who also happens to be a psychiatrist) and told him my plan and that I would send him my resume asap. He replied positively saying he would set up an interview for me as soon as he got it. Interview??!! OH NO!!! I was under the impression I already had the observership sans interview! Needless to say, my heart rate was back up but this is a challenge for another day.

For now, I am seeing my baby tonight and if all goes well, he will meet my dearest and closest friend tomorrow. I should be back home by 3pm tomorrow and then time to work on that resume and get my study on!

On a side note, of all the things I’ve leaned on to get me through the day (and life), I never thought a blog would be one of them. Oh well. Let’s see how this goes.

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