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change 2

I am terrified. After I was done with a huge exam yesterday (I don’t expect to pass it, in all honesty), I wanted to sit down and write but there was so much going through my head  that the only way I could cope was to watch mindless YouTube videos to actively, even if temporarily, flush out the rushing thoughts. I’ve used this technique before but all it does is create a temporary sense of impassiveness only for the issues to come back later in a colossal, and usually unavoidable at that point, fashion. And not to mention when that happens, I blame myself for procrastinating which only pours in more negativity in an already gloomy situation. It’s an immature, ignorant and self-destructive approach to life and until recently, I hadn’t even admitted to myself that I was doing it.

I’m not only a procrastinator, I’m also a severely introverted escapist. I have a very low tolerance for conflict and have agreed to being wrong just in hopes of avoiding disagreements. Add a conservative family with high expectations to the mixture and you have the perfect ingredients to create a depressed 31 year old who suddenly finds that she has done nothing but escape all her life, only to reach a point where she suddenly realizes she has nothing that she can call her own. Yes this is a depressing post but I am in a funk today.

Having painfully admitted this to myself before I fell deeper into this hole I’m digging, I decided things needed to change and I needed to step out of my comfort zone. That meant standing up and working towards what I wanted instead of what everyone else wants or expects. This also meant having to face that which I fear the most – conflict (and human interaction in general). So in a moment of clarity about two days ago, which incidentally also happened to be a time I was most stressed out (funny how I get all my good ideas when I’m stressed out and not in the shower like normal people), I decided the direction I wanted my life to go and force myself to begin the process. Easier said than done of course. Two days later I’m sitting here terrified, the little girl in me screaming and trying to hide under the safety of her blanket while the adult me wants to keep watching YouTube videos. I am diving into the unknown and I am terrified. Even though my conviction seems to be waning, I hope I can salvage enough to keep me going till I can get my next dose. Maybe writing this will help. Only time will tell.