…….is getting over what I think people think of me. I acknowledge the fact that I may be reading the signs wrong and no one has said anything to my face which leads me to believe that what how I imagine others perceive me is actually my perception of myself. But that would mean I’d have to add ‘judgmental b***h’ to my list of vices. It’s this weird funk I go into sometimes. I began to think what that person, that I knew way back when, would think or say about me when they learn of my current predicaments and it brings me down so much that the rest of my day ends up in shambles. I blame it on being raised in a society focused on outside appearance. Also I wish I could pull out that little child in my head – the one that is constantly afraid and confused by people regardless of their relevance. Sigh. Life.
It’s a little early but Christmas is officially over right? I was planning on spending New Year’s eve in the Big Apple , maybe even attempt to see the ball drop, with close friends and the boyfriend. Instead, I will probably spending NYE with older Bengali people ( don’t get me wrong, they are very nice but I really wanted to be in New York), my friend is pissed because he hasn’t made any other plans and is now left high and dry and the boyfriend is going to get a cholecystectomy. All in all, I’ve learned not to count my chickens before they hatch so I’m making my resolutions early (5 days in advance to be exact) so I have enough time for my hypothetical eggs ( this totally does NOT remind me that I’m almost 32 with zero children….nope not at all *sigh*) to hatch before I can not only count my chickens but also adjust for congenital anomalies, genetic and metabolic disorders and such. I will have the exact number of healthy, normally functioning chickens dammit! Chickens that can give me more eggs and delicious chicken nuggets. So here we go :
1) Lose weight : This is a mandatory number 1 every year for everyone. Nuff said.
2) Be well on the way to becoming a doctor and/or researcher in this country, where 5 years of Med School and 2 years of work experience in a foreign country means squat. That’s right I have to start from the bottom again. Research is probably a better option anyway.
3) Get engaged at least. When I was a hot-blooded rebellious teenager being raised in third world conservative Asian country, I made up my mind NEVER to get married or have children. I think this was more because, to me, a married woman was portrayed as someone cooking and caring for family all day, expected to sacrifice her life and happiness for her husband and children. That didn’t sit well with me but the first time I was lucky enough to attend a childbirth (during my Gyn-Obs placement), I couldn’t take my eyes off the new born or get over the miracle I had just witnessed and something changed in me. I fought with what I can only describe as a genetic instinct to have and care for children, biological or otherwise. As I grew older and began to become more and more comfortable with myself as an individual, I began to realize these were things that I genuinely wanted not just because it was expected of me. Finding someone, who feels like the right guy at last, has only bolstered that need. I will stop now before this ends up being a 2000 word post, 1500 of which is about Gary.
4)Become a Zumba instructor. I’ve been wanting this for soooo long! This year it must happen!
5) Run a 5K and actually run the whole race this time!
……………………..and last but not least…………..
6) Be more selfish : I know this is strange because usually people resolve to be the opposite but it’s not a negative…at least not as it pertains to me. I have lead my life for too long listening to and paying heed to how it affects the people I care for aka my family. My whole choice of career was based on the fact that my dad felt he had no reason to live if his straight A first born didn’t become a doctor. Not a single word in the previous sentence was an exaggeration. Maybe it’s my upbringing or nature or a combination of both but I’ve always made major life decisions with heavy involvement and usually consent of the ‘elders’. All that did is put me in a place in life where I feel there is nothing I want or nothing in my life that is my own. But that has to change. Enough is enough. It might hurt people, lead to non-stop emotional blackmail (I have been told I need to seriously look into and agree to an arranged marriage because my father is getting old and this is just very mild emotional blackmail), a good amount of crying and maybe even death or suicide threats I dunno, but I am the only person who can make myself happy. And like every other normal inhabitant of the planet Earth, I want to be happy and not feel like such a f***ing doormat all the f***ing time!
It was fun venting but it was even more fun putting all this in writing. I hope everyone has a happy, fruitful and fun-filled 2015! Happy New Year all you lovely people! Let the egg-warming begin!
Today I went on my first real American Thanksgiving meal. My neighbor and very close friend invited me to her house for Thanksgiving lunch. They also had some friends from out of state who were really great company. Their out-of-state friend decided that because this was my first official Thanksgiving meal, he was going to explain the basics to me such as : you may be tempted to pile your plate up with huge portions of everything – don’t! Even if you take small servings of everything, it will still be too much. Expect to need a nap right after, or in some cases during, the meal, and other such important tidbits about Thanksgiving meals. He was right on all counts. My friend had made an amazing stuffing and as soon as I sat down with a second serving of only stuffing, I realized I was already full. And there was still the delicious desserts – pecan pie and pumpkin cake…mmmmmm. The food was great, the conversation pleasant and flowing, and there were these really great honey-mustard-onion flavored pretzel pieces that I couldn’t stop eating! I also discovered my preference in wine – really sweet wine.
On the other hand, the man who has been a constant source of strength and support to me for the last 6 months, spent Thanksgiving alone. He had no family to go to and no special Thanksgiving meal. What makes me sad about this is not only that I couldn’t spend Thanksgiving with him, but also the fact that he was raised here and therefore having a proper Thanksgiving means so much more to him than it does to me. He has been understandably sad and gloomy over this Holiday season because he is spending it alone. I told him I owe him a turkey dinner. I told him we will celebrate all the occasions we miss on our own days at our own convenience. I have a lot to be thankful for and just because we couldn’t celebrate it together on the date most celebrate it on, doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate it on another date and time. I am thankful everyday for the things I have in life. That means everyday should be Thanksgiving for me – minus the food of course. I don’t want to die of overeating *groan*
So I have mixed feelings about Thanksgiving this year. While I enjoyed good food and company, someone very dear to me spent it alone and sad. All we can do really is to try and make the best of things and keep moving forward in hopes of a better and more perfect tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
I don’t like changes. Even if it is something small and inconsequential. But the only thing in life that will always be constant is change. I am such a phobia with change that even something as small as a phone call will be put off till the last minute because it means there will be some change as a result. I get anxious and in worst case scenarios paranoid when I foresee a change coming – so much so that I have often resigned to a less than optimal state instead of making the change that would take me to a better place. I sometimes have a hard time differentiating if it actually is a fear of change or just plain laziness and often, I have accepted the latter and kept myself in a constant state of guilt over my inactivity. It is so weird sometime the extent I go to just to avoid any change – positive or negative.
Anyways long story short, I am at a point in my life where I have to make some major changes soon if I want to reach my goals. Actually, for the first time in my life, I have goals that I want to achieve for me and not because someone else expects it. Life long family pressure, expectations of perfections (as perceived by others but not so much me) and most, if not all, of what I’ve done to achieve that, has made me miserable to the point of total stagnation for the last 4 years. The fear or criticism, lack of self confidence and the need to be perfect in everyone else’s eyes has done nothing but damage my feeling of self worth. But I am hopeful that I can slowly overcome it, starting with this one phone call and discussion I will have today. Focus will be hard to keep and motivation painful to maintain but I can hope. With the right kind of people around me and and some self-love, maybe it’s not so impossible after all. I hope I don’t come back to this post in a couple of months and continue to complain. Let’s see how this goes…
Have you ever felt stagnant in your life? If so how did you overcome it?