…….is getting over what I think people think of me. I acknowledge the fact that I may be reading the signs wrong and no one has said anything to my face which leads me to believe that what how I imagine others perceive me is actually my perception of myself. But that would mean I’d have to add ‘judgmental b***h’ to my list of vices. It’s this weird funk I go into sometimes. I began to think what that person, that I knew way back when, would think or say about me when they learn of my current predicaments and it brings me down so much that the rest of my day ends up in shambles. I blame it on being raised in a society focused on outside appearance. Also I wish I could pull out that little child in my head – the one that is constantly afraid and confused by people regardless of their relevance. Sigh. Life.
I am terrified. After I was done with a huge exam yesterday (I don’t expect to pass it, in all honesty), I wanted to sit down and write but there was so much going through my head that the only way I could cope was to watch mindless YouTube videos to actively, even if temporarily, flush out the rushing thoughts. I’ve used this technique before but all it does is create a temporary sense of impassiveness only for the issues to come back later in a colossal, and usually unavoidable at that point, fashion. And not to mention when that happens, I blame myself for procrastinating which only pours in more negativity in an already gloomy situation. It’s an immature, ignorant and self-destructive approach to life and until recently, I hadn’t even admitted to myself that I was doing it.
I’m not only a procrastinator, I’m also a severely introverted escapist. I have a very low tolerance for conflict and have agreed to being wrong just in hopes of avoiding disagreements. Add a conservative family with high expectations to the mixture and you have the perfect ingredients to create a depressed 31 year old who suddenly finds that she has done nothing but escape all her life, only to reach a point where she suddenly realizes she has nothing that she can call her own. Yes this is a depressing post but I am in a funk today.
Having painfully admitted this to myself before I fell deeper into this hole I’m digging, I decided things needed to change and I needed to step out of my comfort zone. That meant standing up and working towards what I wanted instead of what everyone else wants or expects. This also meant having to face that which I fear the most – conflict (and human interaction in general). So in a moment of clarity about two days ago, which incidentally also happened to be a time I was most stressed out (funny how I get all my good ideas when I’m stressed out and not in the shower like normal people), I decided the direction I wanted my life to go and force myself to begin the process. Easier said than done of course. Two days later I’m sitting here terrified, the little girl in me screaming and trying to hide under the safety of her blanket while the adult me wants to keep watching YouTube videos. I am diving into the unknown and I am terrified. Even though my conviction seems to be waning, I hope I can salvage enough to keep me going till I can get my next dose. Maybe writing this will help. Only time will tell.
Can’t believe I took that first step to the much needed change! Now hopefully I can follow through with it! I almost feel a childish excitement and anxiety at the same time. I also can’t believe I’m using my blog as a diary but maybe this is what it was meant to be…..
I don’t really believe in ‘meant to be’. I believe in making things happen but the irony of me saying that can only be appreciated by very few people so let me enlighten you all. As I mentioned before in my previous post, I was at a standstill in my life. As a matter of fact, I still am. I’m trying to start moving forward, slowly but surely, I am trying hard to fight the ghosts of stagnation.
My goals today were simple – confirm the date for my licensing exam and set out a definite date to fly out to New Jersey to start an observership with a psychiatrist. The first goal seems simple enough right? But with that, I fretted all evening and had to take an anxiolytic (lorzepam) to calm down. I looked up the available test dates and Friday, 5th of Dec 2014 seemed to suit me the best. I don’t now if I’ll be able to finish the material on time, I don’t know if I will be able to finish the question banks on time, I don’t know if I will be able to revise the material…..by this time, my pulse was close to, if not above, 100/min (tachycardia for all you medical folk). I put my foot down on the date and began the next part of my torture – date for observership. If I take the exam on the 5th, I can fly over that weekend (6th and 7th) and start on the 8th. With that set in mind, my next task was even more frightening – actually talking to other people!
What I’m going to say next will give you a pretty accurate picture of the level of introversion I have to deal with everyday. The thought of actually talking to other people scares me so much that I, a self proclaimed borderline atheist, sat down to pray. To clarify, I’m more of an agnostic leaning towards faith. So I prayed today, prayed real hard for things to go right. Strangely enough, it brought back memories of the first time that I had really prayed and it had worked (or so it seemed in my 11 year old brain at the time). I was in 6th grade and had forgotten to do my math homework for a particularly strict teacher. I prayed, as I walked towards the class, that I needed things to go right just for today please please please! (had no idea who I was talking to at the time). That was the first day that the math teacher did not ask for our homework. He seemed too engrossed in the material he was going to teach that day. Lucky me my prayers worked. Weirdly, that is the one incident that I clearly remember, even though it is a but a tiny grain of sand in the rocky and littered beach that is my life.
So back to the story. I called up my brother and told him my plan. He was crucial because he would take me to the test center. Also he is the only parent figure I have in the area and he reacted exactly how I had expected. He expressed disappointment at my pushing the already tired out exam date even further but seemed a little more positive about my observership plan. One down, one to go! I sent a text to my Uncle in New Jersey (who also happens to be a psychiatrist) and told him my plan and that I would send him my resume asap. He replied positively saying he would set up an interview for me as soon as he got it. Interview??!! OH NO!!! I was under the impression I already had the observership sans interview! Needless to say, my heart rate was back up but this is a challenge for another day.
For now, I am seeing my baby tonight and if all goes well, he will meet my dearest and closest friend tomorrow. I should be back home by 3pm tomorrow and then time to work on that resume and get my study on!
On a side note, of all the things I’ve leaned on to get me through the day (and life), I never thought a blog would be one of them. Oh well. Let’s see how this goes.
I don’t like changes. Even if it is something small and inconsequential. But the only thing in life that will always be constant is change. I am such a phobia with change that even something as small as a phone call will be put off till the last minute because it means there will be some change as a result. I get anxious and in worst case scenarios paranoid when I foresee a change coming – so much so that I have often resigned to a less than optimal state instead of making the change that would take me to a better place. I sometimes have a hard time differentiating if it actually is a fear of change or just plain laziness and often, I have accepted the latter and kept myself in a constant state of guilt over my inactivity. It is so weird sometime the extent I go to just to avoid any change – positive or negative.
Anyways long story short, I am at a point in my life where I have to make some major changes soon if I want to reach my goals. Actually, for the first time in my life, I have goals that I want to achieve for me and not because someone else expects it. Life long family pressure, expectations of perfections (as perceived by others but not so much me) and most, if not all, of what I’ve done to achieve that, has made me miserable to the point of total stagnation for the last 4 years. The fear or criticism, lack of self confidence and the need to be perfect in everyone else’s eyes has done nothing but damage my feeling of self worth. But I am hopeful that I can slowly overcome it, starting with this one phone call and discussion I will have today. Focus will be hard to keep and motivation painful to maintain but I can hope. With the right kind of people around me and and some self-love, maybe it’s not so impossible after all. I hope I don’t come back to this post in a couple of months and continue to complain. Let’s see how this goes…
Have you ever felt stagnant in your life? If so how did you overcome it?