…….is getting over what I think people think of me. I acknowledge the fact that I may be reading the signs wrong and no one has said anything to my face which leads me to believe that what how I imagine others perceive me is actually my perception of myself. But that would mean I’d have to add ‘judgmental b***h’ to my list of vices. It’s this weird funk I go into sometimes. I began to think what that person, that I knew way back when, would think or say about me when they learn of my current predicaments and it brings me down so much that the rest of my day ends up in shambles. I blame it on being raised in a society focused on outside appearance. Also I wish I could pull out that little child in my head – the one that is constantly afraid and confused by people regardless of their relevance. Sigh. Life.
People living in New York don’t seem to be interested in spending NYE at Time’s Square. For some its a been-there-done-that situation while others are overwhelmed by the crowd and general discomfort associated with watching the ball drop. Let me elaborate on the discomforts – first of all it’s a mission to just get in, secondly it’s freezing cold and last but certainly not the least, no bathrooms once you’re in. But for oblivious out-of-staters like H and myself, the idea of watching the ball drop was too grand an idea to let such petty inconveniences dampen our spirits. Oh we learned the hard way!
At around 3, T and I headed back to get H from the hotel, after lunch and a quick walk through the Empire State building, Macy’s (the biggest store in the world apparently) and some light-weight sight seeing. Now, T had been constantly dropping hints of his disinterest about Time’s Square. Seeing his attitude, I too began to re-evaluate the idea of waiting hours in the freezing cold just to see a ball drop especially with no bathrooms. But H was adamant. This was something you get to do once in a lifetime, she explained, she wasn’t going to get another chance and she had looked forward to this for a month. Seeing our doubtful faces, she proceeded to head in the direction of Times Square on her own at which point I decided ‘oh what the heck! I want to do this too!’ T was not pleased. He agreed to take us there but was firm about not going in with us.
We walked God-knows-how-many blocks to the entrance at 48nd street and were told that it had filled up and we had to go in through 52nd. We turned around, thanking the police officer who had provided us with the information, only to see a crowd of people behind us already making a run for the 52nd. T and H were ready to run too but, against my better judgement, I had decided to wear a pair of stylish new pair of boots instead of my old worn out snow boots. Needless to say, my feet were already blistered so running was definitely not in the stars for me that day.
Long story short, we were able to get in at 52nd street. T said goodbye and left while H and I continued on our quest to ‘cross one off the bucket list’. Once we were on Manhattan avenue though we became thoroughly confused. We could see the tower from which the ball would drop clearly, but there were cleared out barricaded areas at each block that people were standing around. It seemed other people were just as confused – probably because most of them were first timers too. Not sure what happened next, we decided to use the bathroom at a bakery, since there would be no bathrooms once we were in but wren’t we in already? And if so, we would always have bathroom access in this bakery right? Let’s just get our business done and then figure things out, we decided. The bakery was totally profiting from their prime location and the hoards of people wanting to use their restrooms. Everyone had to buy something, pay and get a token, and use the token to get into the restroom.
We came back out and followed the crowd to 49th where they were letting people in the barricaded areas. Ah so that’s what’s supposed to happen, we finally realized. We lined up on the side, pretty close to the entry, only to realize the crowd was anything but patient. The pushing and shoving is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced as a member of what I consider a civilized society! I had a tiny girl in front of me, right next to the railing, and there were more than a few times that I thought I would fall over with her and the railing! I didn’t think we would ever get in. I thought we would simply get pushed into the barricaded area. I had no control over my movement. I moved with the crowd. It got so bad that the girl in front of me and I had to synchronize a push back into the crowd to keep from falling over! To make matters worse, they were letting only one person in at time, after a full security check. At that rate, we would still be standing outside when the ball dropped – at least we’d get to see it though. Luckily, they began to hasten the entry and security process and after more relentless pushing and shoving (I was actually afraid the girl in front of me might end up suffering from internal organ damage or something poor thing!), we finally got in! Sandwiches and Gatorade in hand, bladders empty and feet screaming in pain, we walked into the barricaded area, elated at finally getting in, and began our wait. It was 5pm. Yup. Only 7 hours till the ball dropped.
Yes I did it! I watched the infamous ball drop at Times Square on New Years Eve! Ironically, I had complained about ‘counting my chickens before they hatch’ when my month long plan to be there was cancelled so, being able to go anyway makes that post another example of counting-chickens-before-they-hatch right? Like a weird recursion.
Anyway, long story short, I made it and there is so much to write about the whole experience that I’m going to break it down into parts. I want to share all the agonizing details with you guys and make detailed records of the experience in the process. This way I have something interesting to relive when I’m battling early onset Alzheimer’s.
Happy New Year everyone!!!
It’s a little early but Christmas is officially over right? I was planning on spending New Year’s eve in the Big Apple , maybe even attempt to see the ball drop, with close friends and the boyfriend. Instead, I will probably spending NYE with older Bengali people ( don’t get me wrong, they are very nice but I really wanted to be in New York), my friend is pissed because he hasn’t made any other plans and is now left high and dry and the boyfriend is going to get a cholecystectomy. All in all, I’ve learned not to count my chickens before they hatch so I’m making my resolutions early (5 days in advance to be exact) so I have enough time for my hypothetical eggs ( this totally does NOT remind me that I’m almost 32 with zero children….nope not at all *sigh*) to hatch before I can not only count my chickens but also adjust for congenital anomalies, genetic and metabolic disorders and such. I will have the exact number of healthy, normally functioning chickens dammit! Chickens that can give me more eggs and delicious chicken nuggets. So here we go :
1) Lose weight : This is a mandatory number 1 every year for everyone. Nuff said.
2) Be well on the way to becoming a doctor and/or researcher in this country, where 5 years of Med School and 2 years of work experience in a foreign country means squat. That’s right I have to start from the bottom again. Research is probably a better option anyway.
3) Get engaged at least. When I was a hot-blooded rebellious teenager being raised in third world conservative Asian country, I made up my mind NEVER to get married or have children. I think this was more because, to me, a married woman was portrayed as someone cooking and caring for family all day, expected to sacrifice her life and happiness for her husband and children. That didn’t sit well with me but the first time I was lucky enough to attend a childbirth (during my Gyn-Obs placement), I couldn’t take my eyes off the new born or get over the miracle I had just witnessed and something changed in me. I fought with what I can only describe as a genetic instinct to have and care for children, biological or otherwise. As I grew older and began to become more and more comfortable with myself as an individual, I began to realize these were things that I genuinely wanted not just because it was expected of me. Finding someone, who feels like the right guy at last, has only bolstered that need. I will stop now before this ends up being a 2000 word post, 1500 of which is about Gary.
4)Become a Zumba instructor. I’ve been wanting this for soooo long! This year it must happen!
5) Run a 5K and actually run the whole race this time!
……………………..and last but not least…………..
6) Be more selfish : I know this is strange because usually people resolve to be the opposite but it’s not a negative…at least not as it pertains to me. I have lead my life for too long listening to and paying heed to how it affects the people I care for aka my family. My whole choice of career was based on the fact that my dad felt he had no reason to live if his straight A first born didn’t become a doctor. Not a single word in the previous sentence was an exaggeration. Maybe it’s my upbringing or nature or a combination of both but I’ve always made major life decisions with heavy involvement and usually consent of the ‘elders’. All that did is put me in a place in life where I feel there is nothing I want or nothing in my life that is my own. But that has to change. Enough is enough. It might hurt people, lead to non-stop emotional blackmail (I have been told I need to seriously look into and agree to an arranged marriage because my father is getting old and this is just very mild emotional blackmail), a good amount of crying and maybe even death or suicide threats I dunno, but I am the only person who can make myself happy. And like every other normal inhabitant of the planet Earth, I want to be happy and not feel like such a f***ing doormat all the f***ing time!
It was fun venting but it was even more fun putting all this in writing. I hope everyone has a happy, fruitful and fun-filled 2015! Happy New Year all you lovely people! Let the egg-warming begin!
I first heard about the Twilight books from my sister while we were scoping a newly discovered book store. If you haven’t stopped reading already, I would like to take this opportunity to let you know that this piece is not about Twilight and I am most definitely not a Twihard. The first Twilight book was displayed prominently at the front of the store, the haunting cover with the pale hands holding a bright red apple naturally grabbing my attention as I love reading horror, thrillers and supernatural fiction ( Stephen King is an all time favorite!). I asked my sister for a brief synopsis and what she told me seemed anything but original – a typical teenage fantasy novel – but my sister insisted there was something special and unique about the story. It was different, she insisted, gazing dreamily behind my left shoulder. If you ask her now, she will never admit to saying that. Never.
Fast forward to the movies coming out. I had never gotten around to reading the books so I decided to watch the movie that people all over the world were going crazy over. After the watching the first movie I didn’t know what to think. Not only was the story line way below par, bad casting and atrocious acting made for a dreadful movie experience. I was more surprised than disappointed – surprised at it’s huge success. The subsequent movies were more, if not just as successful as the first, despite terrible reviews. Now I must admit there are a lot of movies that I like despite bad reviews ( e.g the first three X-men movies) but Twilight was just….Twilight….I don’t know what to say about it honestly! I was baffled by its popularity but a passing comment from a friend made me realize what made the books and movie such a huge success. “Do you know how I know that Twilight was written by a woman? The vampires shine, like diamonds, when sunlight hits them,” she said. Ah, the age old stereotype of women being obsessed with diamonds (I am cursed when it comes to diamonds but that is a story for another time). But it got me thinking about why Twilight was so popular. Isn’t it almost every woman’s dream to have a handsome, seemingly invincible and dangerous man (or maybe woman)sweep them off their feet (literally in this case) and make them the center of their world, to have this brooding,hellishly strong introverted (and therefore eliminating competition) man be hopelessly in love with her? Although in today’s world, women don’t need to be taken care of or need a man to survive and the feminist in me screams as I admit that I think most women, myself included, still have that little princess, perhaps pushed to a tiny corner at the very back of their heads, that still yearns for Prince Charming. And that’s what Twilight honed in on – wishful thinking.
I’m writing about this now because the other day, I watched a promo for a new series called Hindsight which hones in on another popular concept in wishful thinking – going back in time and living your life again knowing what you already know now. Think of all the wrongs that could be made right, how much better (and maybe even perfect) life could be. It tickled my interest but once again the acting and concept seemed a little cliche so I think I’ll pass, although I do wish I could go back in time and un-watch Twilight.
In conclusion, I think a surefire way to write a successful novel or short story or series or whatever, is to pin-point an idea that a majority of the population (or as much as you need to get your desired amount of fame and money) wish for but cannot really have. Concepts embedded in the wishful thinking of the readers (and of course some minimal skill in written English) is sure to bring success! There you go all you serious writers – your free advice of that day! Let me know if it works out for you!:P
Haha! This is great! Merry Happy Hanukwanzaalightedmas everyone!
I am writing this post to wish you all a happy holiday season. I do personally believe that the largest reason for this holiday season is Christmas and Hanukkah but I understand that some people feel alienated and segregated if they do not have a conventional reason for this season. So out of my feelings of joy and well wishes for all I have created a new blessing – Merry Happy Hanukwanzaalightedmas!! That way, no one has a reason to feel excluded. No matter the reason you celebrate this season, I wish you all the most joyous time with your family and friends and may we all live to enjoy the coming new year and all the joys, triumphs, successes and failures it brings with it. Much love from me Gray Trimant.
This is my first entry chronicling my struggles as an introvert. I have quite frequent encounters with situations that are either unnecessarily complicated or, in extreme cases, become disasters simply because of my introversion and what better way to talk about them than through an anonymous blog?
So today I’m going to a gathering for doctors in New York. The whole thing has been causing me episodes of palpitation and sweating ever since I heard about it. I haven’t done much to further my career ever since I graduated. I’m not married and have no children. So basically I’m a 31 year old, single, medical graduate who is very likely to bump into younger, more accomplished doctors who I know from med school. Not just that, I will also be meeting people who are likely to look at me with shaking heads and I-feel-sorry-for-you eyes. Most importantly, there will be too many people! Aaaaargh! In all honesty, I’m not sure if it’s my bruised ego or my introversion that’s causing the physical symptoms. Probably a little bit of both.
So why subject myself to such discomfort you ask? Well I’m going to need to look around a possible new work location and meet people who might help me further along the career path. But I’m still terrified. Hopefully I can maintain an impassive face and plastic smile. Mostly, I hope I don’t meet anyone I know but knowing my luck I probably will. It’s silly I’m stressing over something so vain when there are people in the world starving, freezing, homeless…..no it’s not helping I’m still freakin out like it’s the end of the world. Welcome to my life as an introvert. Wish me luck!
There are two things I do when I’m stressed. The first is one I think a lot of people do – bite my nails, but it goes to a more severe and sometimes bloodier extent if I run out of nail and the stressor continues to exist. I remember I once had a patient ask me if I had a vitamin deficiency because of how frayed, bloody and tattered my nails and surrounding areas were.
The second is I eat. I eat until I can eat no more and then keep eating. I think this habit started early during exam time at school. The only acceptable circumstance for not being at the study table, according to my mother, was if I was eating, so I think it started as an early excuse to not study and gradually developed into a habit. As an adult, I don’t have my mother with her dangerously low whisper asking me why I’m not studying when I should (I wish I did though) but the eating habit remains. Today has been a particularly disastrous day so far. I’m trying to maintain acceptable fingertips, even letting my fingernails grow a little, so the brunt of my stress was placed on food consumption. Its 4pm and since morning I’ve already eaten food amounting to at least 4 full meals! It also appears I can get more done when I’m stressed.
So in conclusion, I can’t win! I can either be fat and successful or thin and a failure. I hate adulthood!